Fred-hot exclusive: Black Canadian applies for asylum in South Africa... on grounds of extreme boredom

News is reaching Hatman Mansions this morning of an extraordinary application made by a black Canadian to be granted asylum in South Africa.

Bernard "Big Bernie" Hunted, 19, has told South Africa's Department of Homie Affairs that "Canada is completely white, except for a few patches of green in mid-summer, and I am sick and tired of being shot at by white Canadians in lumberjack shirts and those ridiculous caps with flaps on the sides".

Ms Nomfundo Mfutha, a spokeswoman for Homie Affairs, said that the refugee board was still considering the application by Mr Hunted - a process that is expected to take several decades - but was "almost inanimately (sic) sympathetic to Mr Hunted's awful situation which was almost certainly brought about by the most abhorrent form of racism practised by whitey Canadian big game hunters".

Mr Hunted said that his life in Canada had been characterised by "extremely long periods of having absolutely nothing to do in the most boring and whitest country in the world, punctuated by sporadic outbursts of extreme racist violence". He had produced a photograph to Homie Affairs, in which "his torment, suffering, persecution and abject boredom were clearly depicted".

Mr Hunted: clearly ravaged by boredom while surrounded by extreme whiteness in Canada

Mr Hunter had said in his application that he was "attracted to South Africa by it's rich cultural diversity, flora and fauna, lack of white snow, exciting nightlife and the fact that white animals also occasionally got shot at". He added: "Back home, polar bears, on account of their total whiteness apart from black eyes and nose, are protected by a plethora of laws and sit around on icebergs all day while we brown bears routinely have potshots taken at us". This amounts to nothing less than the most perverse form of racism, he said.

"It all stems back to when the white settlers, finding Britain and France not nearly boring enough, arrived and started building log cabins in the snowy wasteland. We thought it would be like totally cool to welcome these strange animals into our midst but they called us names like 'Ursus arctos horribilis' and pointed muskets at us when we tried to provide baritone accompaniment for their 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm all white' cross-dressing anthem around their very camp fires.

Ms Mfutha, in a Homie Affairs statement which will be received by fredhatman.co.za in roughly two years' time, said that "Mr Hunted's allegations of racism, transvestitism, lumberjackshirtism and capflapism were being viewed in a very serious light" and that Mr Hunted would be kept in the most luxurious and reasonably safe accommodation available at Pretoria Zoo until enough people got off their fat asses to make a ruling on his application for asylum sometime in 2067. (from http://www.fredhatman.co.za)